them(&)selves..

hello people..

hope everyone's doin' good..

'can i exhale for a minute? can i get this out in the open?'

(thanks)

so it's 2.41 a.m. wednesday night when i'm typing this, no idea kab tak aayega.. aana 1st ko hi chahiye tha kyuki roman ke match dekhne baad josh josh mein khol diya tha yeh.. uss din se soya hi nahi dhang se..

ek minute, ek minute.. last blog mein i said that was the last one and shayad aur nahi aaye ab; that sounds ajeeb mujhe abhi realise hua.. i should've have said ki doosre blogpage par aayenge (october?) and that thing won't have to do anything with this one.. i mean wahan toh aayega hi; yahan it would be, like once in a while, jab mann kare, vaisa kuch..

last time kab raat ko jaga tha, yaad nahi.. don't feel like sleeping trust me or maybe i'll put it this way, sona hai but neend nahi aa rahi; wanna hear ghostin, earphones lagakar full volume par, on repeat, 10 - 15 din tak; that's the reason you have what you're reading right now..

aadhe se zada saal guzar chuka hai and haven't done anything at a personal level, whatever i had thought i would be doing from july.. dekhte hain aage shayad time mile, i'll try writing these tab tak, yeh toh continue ho..

and july's cursed, at least mine.. i am totally convinced this time..

excusing few days, nothing really happened i should be happy about.. grateful i made it through.. agle saal pata nahi kaisa hoga but hoping streak toote.. ('casue i just kept breathin and breathin and breathin this month)

last year, had covid and this year too, took me 2 weeks of this month to wake up with no pain at all.. (aur bhi hain but jaane do)

kuch kuch plans bane the and i missed/ ditched saare.. but then you have days, when people randomly show up to your place and force you to doubt the conclusion you've already made, and seeing relatives you haven't seen in years, can say those 3 days literally managed to push me and made my entire month.. (reminds me of nights how i don't do drugs was my before bed song for days covid jab hua tha)

iss mahine utni baat bhi nahi ho paayi sabse jaise itne time se regular basis hoti thi, lekin ab back on track, baat bhi ho rahi hai sabse, inshort getting in touch again..

well, raat gayi, mahina gaya, baat gayi.. what next..

everyone's moving out and those who aren't or have couple of weeks, are enjoying shopping and hanging out, sahi hai, karna bhi chahiye.. 12th really wrecked us socially and 'exhale' karne ke liye itna toh banta hai..

i just wanna wish you guys all the very best, everybody, like wherever you will be going, whichever institute you're gonna be part of, your most beautiful years are on their way.. trust yourself and at the end you'll definitely have something to be proud of, give time some time..

the thing is we (including me) are expecting alot from ourselves considering the coming years.. as if some maturity clock has ticked and ab alarm set kar diya hai kisine.. rather than being excited i'm afraid, pata nahi kyu.. 'my father at this age did this and main kya kar raha hu' wale thoughts..

post covid, personally it's been difficult.. like having realisations in bulk and then getting used to never dealt before situations and constantly trying to figure out how to tackle those and who shlok is..

one thing i've realised people and probably you all should too, is that friends are moving out kuch ko chhod kar, ab things are gonna be different, weird from now or, have already started becoming.. woh void feel hoga.. 10th to 11th jump toh sirf portion oriented tha as portion mein exponential increase ho jaata hai, yeh 12th to First Year toh; use to hone mein time lagega, be it poorane atmosphere ko bhulane mein ya naye atmosphere mein dhalne mein..

i've only been talking about these stuff in my recent blogs.. like aage kaise karenge.. blog ke naam par kuch bhi type kar deta hu.. kaafi samay se xyz things are in my head, jo blog by blog nikal rahe hain; things i'm feeling, things i'm unsure about, trying to comprehend myself again and again, yet failing to do so everytime etc etc..

(sochne do thoda aage kya likhna hai, i just started randomly roman ka match dekhne ke baad)

--

'who starts a conversation like that?'

so, 1 din socha, kuch dimaag mein nahi aaya..

anyways i'll just start typing and end the way thinking 'bout you song did.

sense ban jaaye toh achcha hai..

keeping last 2 years in my mind, specially 12th, as mentioned above, it's been tough, kitna kuch badla but kitna kuch same hi hai.. in the loop, nested wala woh bhi.. 

i've realised books padhna is not something i'd be able to do this year too but i seriously want to.. and woh bhi self growth wale zada pasand hain though aaj tak ek bhi padhi nahi.. ek bande se li thi ikigai april mein, ek page bhi nahi padha and abhi kal hi de diya doosre bande ko, koi toh padhe.. but i still want to.. ek book toh padhna hai.. and i feel jab woh ho jayega, apne aap aur padhne lagunga.. i don't like reading, much of a listener shayad.. it's literally therapeutic when i listen music.. and agar tumhe pata nahi ho, sirf emotional gaane sunta hu ya sunna pasand karta hu.. iss saal thoda explore bhi kiya hai, warna pichle saal tak 2 hi naam pata the..

and jo music i consume kaafi influence karta hai 'asal mein', in whatever i do.. wo relatability wala factor hamesha rehta hai..

i don't know me.. you probably won't know yourself too, that's the reason i guess we have people around, to tell us so and so is your flaw, so and so is good in you etc.. but don't take that thing too seriously and letting people tell you who you are.. they'll appreciate you but tumhe pata hai your flaws.. similarly when they criticise you, you know you good at this thing etc etc..

personally, i don't like talking about my favorites across any domain but relating.. for example, i like xyz artist and i find out somebody else too has that xyz artist as their favorite, tab i'd be more into it than jab usko saamnse batata ki haa i like this.. (if that made sense)

shayad the reason too that we are able to feel these emotions because somewhere ham zindagi mein unn circumstances se guzrein hain and it's totally relatable..

if somebody asks me what genuinely makes me happy, don't know if that's a quality or a flaw, i'd say seeing or making my people happy.. doosron ki khushi mein khushi.. aur agar woh meri wajah se ho, icing on cake.. and that is why i guess i text people out of nowhere and try staying in touch by some means or the other (jinse main sach mein rehna chahta hu) 'cause obviously it does feel nice, like sharing memes, sending them songs i've been vibing to recently and vice versa ya kabhi kabhi aese hi, expecting aaj kuch interesting hua hoga unke saath and they too would be excited to share, kyuki roz roz 'kaise ho' ka jawaab mil paana thoda mushkil hai.. and when i try making somebody else happy and that's not happening, then that, i guess affects me, more than it should.. 'cause once they go to their respective institutes, milna vaise bhi nahi hone wala..

and that's the most i can do if i can't meet them daily.. like socho kar dekho, i can't travel xyz places to catch up daily and talk when i want to.. the only thing i can offer at that point of time is verbal or virtual support, that's it, that's my limit.. plus we all know how easy it is to fake emotions virtually.. you might be streaming ghostin but greedy post kar rahe ho online; no sense.. ab aese mein ain't it natural for insecurities levels shoot up for xyz reason kyuki tum genuinely touch mein rehna chahte ho and don't wanna cut ties just because tum roz milne nahi wale? (period)

'so casually cruel in the name of being honest..'

this thing gets me everytime, people always placing themselves first and then others.. i mean yes that sounds legit but hamesha? haa there is nothing wrong but doosron ko completely neglect hi kardo; selective neglecting, what in the world is that.. it's always their decisions which are more important, whatever they wanna do, without thinking how it would possibly affect others, flaunting causelessly, i mean sach mein? and aesa bhi nahi it's anybody random doing it, coming from somebody who you think won't even be the last person doing that; no matter what you do, there's always them above you..

i literally need to learn that so called art.. i always think of others, unke perspective se, how they would feel if i did this, if i did that, will it affect them? will that make their day any better? probably not.. like self considering whatever i do, if somebody did that to me, kasam se din ban jaata mera.. and aese moments hote hain jab mere saath, it's hard to believe for me kyuki normally hota nahi.. like the day when people were waiting ghar ke niche aadhe ghante hospital ke bahar to meet me and give me doughnuts, i literally was shaking for few minutes, itna unrealistic lag raha tha..

i've got to know i'm much of a giver and need people around to take it mostly.. i go extra miles, do small small things.. like handwritten notes or editing them some video no matter how tired i am or irrespective of how busy i am still making time for them or whatever.. if they say 'oh this xyz thing's so nice' i make sure i remember that so when it's something special, that's what my gift is gonna be..

they feel i am so alert all the time, he goes out of his comfort zone to make me feel happy and i am not being able to match upto that or i am not doing nothing at all, eventually feeling guilty and that's how they end up having in mind, this guy deserves better..

if you ask me whether i expect them to do or match upto that, then honestly, no.. most of the time, i don't.. i seek acknowledgement.. it's absolutely fine if you can't reciprocrate, unnoticed toh mat jaane do, but starting to take it for granted? i'll probably have to reconsider myself.. (period)

recently i learned about some ariana's interview and i literally feel sad being able to relate to this so bad:-

'i do this thing where sometimes i like paint a different picture of someone that i either already know is not what i'm believing they are and i'm hoping that they are that or i'm like slowly learning that they are not what i'd thought..'

i was so excited for next week.. padhai se finally thode time ke liye break milta, thought i'd watch mimi next week, meet everybody ek ek karke 'cause i don't want to regret later jab woh chale jaayein and for rakhshabandhan, definitely for that..

ab i'm literally not in that state anymore, sorry.. 

i just, i just don't know.. i have always been like this but it never felt this sick before..

people always speak of their stories completely neglecting anybody else's part forgetting just like them others too have it and people have their own theories, own exceptions and all those rights to decide who should and who should not fit in those.. what puts me above that, what makes me so special? guess what, nothing..

makes me wanna turn heel literally, tired of this babyface sort of thing.. 'cause then my jealousy, my insecurities etc will be justified i guess.. i too wanna be anti - naive to see all those signs coming, with having an egomaniac and self centred bubble around where it's only me and nobody else who i think about in.. nobody will like that.. but at least they'll have an excuse then.. then i'll expect people unconsidering me and choosing others or considering others over me for a reason..

i just don't know,

i need sleep..