switchin' the positions..

'hello hello,

can you hear, me?'

hope you all are doing good..

happy positions month y'all..

just kidding, the festival of lights, happy festival of lights..

good news, ab pata nahi for whom and how many but i ain't moving out kahin bhi for the university.. yahin mumbai mein agar koi mila toh mila.. and uske liye i literally am focusing on building a morning routine where i try going to bed and then getting up as early as i can and get going with the day along the sun.. but that, never, happens.. doesn't matter when i sleep; 11 p.m. or 2 a.m., i never managed to pull myself up before 8 a.m.. so people if you know those secret techniques how i can wake up early or on my own for that fact, please let me know 'cause alarms clocks never worked and never will for me and college start hone par i don't know how i'll be able to get up like you hostlers are..

happily vibing to monopoly (finally) and nonsense these days and can't tell you guys how excited i'm for this year's wrapped..

anyways, pata hai it's actually nice to see you guys happy for diwali 'cause it's your first homecoming after you've moved out and if not that then definitely for getting some time off of your college to rest or study for those future assessments already.. break toh banta hai types.. (mujhe as of now toh idea hai nahi how it feels like) and if we consider my case, i think i'll be the first person celebrating birthday as soon as i get into any university.. chances kam hain lekin hain, who knows; i don't want that to happen personally for some reason, dekhte hain..

'i've been on a roll where, you've been?'

and it's been a while, i know.. since we last posted, alot has happened and i was keen to post it via blog.. kaafi kuch try kiya maine, stuff i was willing to do back then when was in 12th.. '12th ke baad karenge' yes that was the phase i am/ was in..

september if i recollect, i view that in two parts, first three weeks and then the last one.. talking about the latter first, it's been amazing.. and also first week of october.. it definitely might sound silly but personally, i felt unique and awesome.. i boarded my very first bus (yet to catch a train bhaag ke) on my own.. i know it's pretty normal for collegegoers and you don't add that much value now but kabhi toh aesa laga hoga.. i believe everybody has firsts for which we all are proud of of ourselves and i truly felt it and enjoyed that..

naturally, before entering adulthood we tend to view anyone older than us as these aliens who have everything figured out and who know what is best for everyone, but i don't think it's like that or is it?

the garba night then, of course.. let me tell you, i actually have done garba only on 4 occasions, i mean 3 occasions (excluding 12th) and all of that on garba night and aaj tak dhang se karna nahi aaya, i must admit.. and then again meeting friends after long long time, last time yaad hi nahi aata kab mile the; it's always nice meeting people you used to meet daily.. it's so hard to keep up friendships in your late teens and 20s which i am starting to realise more and more because everyone is super busy so i think making time for that is really important.. it obviously isn't gonna be everyday and it's easier when you're younger or when you're in school.. but as a young adult is really hard to make time and get everybody together..

regarding the initial weeks, as far as i remember, they have been tough (as if preparing me for whatever i was about to experience later) and entirely been about self if i summarize it in a single word.. self judgement, self introspection and lastly, self care.. a month, full of personal achievements and firsts which literally managed to push me through.. the first 3 weeks were so so so much of something, i don't know what we can term that, overwhelming? maybe that.. can say i was in my head more than i was present physically.. i was off socially all this while 'cause i don't know why suddenly it start getting so unbearably toxic.. chhapaak dekhi, amazing thi and generally i only see movies that i wanna watch, not because it's trending or somebody recommended me or just because i wanna watch something so let's go with it.. so any movie i watch doesn't really disappoint me aur vaise bhi main zada movies dekhta nahi toh doesn't matter..

chhapaak dekhi, and yes, i started reading books.. for real, i did that.. i still can't believe i actually have that urge now to read books i only used to save in my pinterest board earlier.. as of now, i've read 2 books and reading third one.. 'cause i literally would be the last person in the room to ever go the reading section and read books apart from my course books trust me.. i always had that interest to read but never the will to actually grab a book and flip the pages and start reading or at least download the pdf.. that genuinely feels like an achievement and can't really express how proud i am because of this.. and you should too.. you should start reading books too if you don't.. i like the self growth genre personally and you should too start with genre you (think you) like in the beginning.. romance, fantasy or self growth, anything works absolutely fine as it ultimately will make you rich in your vocabs if not anything else.. that's coming from somebody who started reading nearly a month ago so if i can pull that off, you toh can very easily.. 

coming back, i tried figuring out myself and realised, that self is an actual thing one should consider.. i repeat, self is an actual thing one should consider.. i always had a pretty good sense of self identity; it wasn't like all of my identity resides in those teen years i've lived, but still it's like a huge part of me that is gone now and i'm just trying to look at this as exciting of being in late teenage.. perhaps we know right how everything around us, in some way or the other, is affecting us or let's say contributing to whatever we are doing or will be doing.. i learned how self care is an actual thing that exists which i (and you too) should give little more importance than we think we've been giving.. 'cause i personally never felt that need to, you know consider shlok first than any other thing in any situation.. that feeling was never felt before and when i did, it took me a while to come to point where it doesn't make me feel like an oddball to at least consider putting myself before in situations hence..

people keep talking about how difficult change is, but nobody talks nothing about staying same.. staying same, staying you irrespective of what you get in return does get hard sometimes.. you see comparison is always a happiness thief; grasses are always green, unless you stand up and take a look on the other side and realise it's less green in yours.. you know when you lack happiness in your surroundings you (should) start creating your own? i did that and am still doing.. i consumed lots and lots of feel good content 'cause i genuinely wanted to feel good by any means possible; made myself some feel good stuff.. september as i said i focused on nurturing self so i tried doing little things that genuinely gave me a sense of satisfaction.. for example watching tangled and realising bachchon ki movies are more emotional than we think, making lots of self notes for me only and to read again but not anytime soon, clicking mirror selfies frequently, dressing up only to roam inside your house and not because you're going to meet someone.. i don't know what self care looks like or, feel like but doing anything that makes you feel good, does count in it and you should do it more often since it makes you feel like you're the main character.. the best thing that's come out of it is realising that there is an whole era of self discovery for you to be in when you're starting a new chapter and when you're starting a new chapter, you have all the ability to write that chapter for yourself and it's so amazing that in this new chapter there are gonna be new characters, new plots you know, new things to come, it's obviously so scary, change is scary, but change is so important and cliche, change is the only constant in life.. one thing about change and starting a new chapter is that there is so much good to come, it's so much good to come that you don't even know about it yet, so the less resistance you'll have towards it, the more you'll allow these things to flow..

so many things are changing and i feel like a new individual in a lot of ways and while that is exciting obviously there is a sad part to it because why it's happening.. and by new individual i meant having two personalities now instead of one.. you know as if having a sub nature to your main one.. i don't know what sense that made but yes you understand that.. almost like the kid in me crooning persuasively to never give upon believing innocence of this world whereas the young adult in me always wanting to treat others the way they treat me.. personally, i don't wanna listen to the latterm genuinely speaking.. also i don't wanna have that typical masculine persona which we have in our minds when we think of men; instead wanna be comfortable being an unideal peculiar male figure who has a soft and delicate character, has his crying normalised 'round everybody wantingly, chooses to stay vulnerable and obviously have a slender looking body and not those greek god types; all of this to make people realise there's soft masculanity existing in this world too..

it's hard to realise, harder to admit, hardest to confess, besides which i feel like i and all of us are in this new territory.. i had this idea and i'm kind of mourning that because it's no longer going to look how i thought it'll and it's really hard thing to process when you have something in your head, an idea of how things are gonna go and it suddenly changes.. one thing i know for certain is that we always get through it even when we think we won't.. my life is shifting, everybody's for that fact.. it's such a big transition to go from your local crib to the real brutal world, you know.. it's a weird thing to navigate which i'm learning slowly day by day..

would wanna end this by saying that if anything is a big deal to you, it's a big deal, speaking in general.. whatever you're going through, and however you might be feeling and reacting for it, it's all valid.. but please don't end up becoming unkind since the world hasn't been to you, things don't work like that.. i made myself all those made my day stuff because in future whenever something happens to me that makes me doubt my genuineness ever again, i can see those and remind myself, 'no it ain't that way shlok, we gonna be alright, stop feeling anti you, just thank u next that' get it?

i never clicked mirror selfies, never.. i don't know why i've started it recently, probably because i've been missing out on my own self and that's sort starting to make up for it, yes i guess, firsts, they say.. (happy with the self awareness i've got)

anyways, just make sure you continue to stay soft regardless of any bad thing happening; don't ever think of brushing off the genuine you  for xyz wrong things happening with you and whatever good you do, will come back to you trust me.. even if it's not coming back to you, be grateful at least it's going somewhere, 'cause good always finds a way back, no matter what..

that's it..

that was me, telling that to me, unless you felt good reading that..

prioritise you, that's it..

take care folks.. ♡

(i like this tiny empty heart thing alot suddenly)