turmeric stains..

hello people.. hope everyone's doin' great out there..

happy 'aati ho toh baarish lete aana' season.. 🥳

again, we low and back with this monotonous thingy..

so, was hearing needy after so long and out of nowhere, we have this blog..

12th, khatam.. i mean, 2 most sensitive years of my life (and yours too) are almost over.. yes done with boards but still x number of entrances left, which eventually will get over soon, just like these 2 years.. and iss baar farewell mila..

and what does this piece deal with.. it deals with, it deals with my experiences i guess i've had all this while..

haa not any blog again.. 😅

(agar time nahi hai toh locate 'haa yahin se' thoda scroll karke)

also i guess this one will probably be the last time i post things on this blogpage and as well as upload it, as, ab zada blogs aayenge (like factual ones) on the second one, i mean the first one.. (haa kyuki woh pehle banaya tha)

but yes, completely band nahi hoga yeh; just like this, i'll post iss par whenever i'll feel blank inside again..

starting with, 10th ke baad.. i still remember the last day 10th ke boards ka; it was like i literally did not converse with anybody and as soon as the paper got over, i walked out silently, thinking result kaisa aane wala hai.. later, break mila and then the covid we all know how and what happened later..

then in august 2020, i got into this very (in)famous institute, yes i'm talking about (the) seven square academy.. never thought my board centre would eventually turn out to be my so called junior college kyuki main literally state board ka soch raha tha..

august 2020 se lekar january 2020, online tha sab so made no difference main kaisa dikhta hu and nahakar baitha hu ya nahi etc etc.. february, when things started normalising and we had to get back everything offline including schools, seven square surely made a difference.. literally kahin par bhi koi school nahi khula tha and everytime schools reopened and were shut again due to covid, seven square had to be the first one to reopen it again.. (1st aane ki itni kya talab thi) and yeh bhi nahi ki sirf secondary and higher secondary students ka, literally poora school aa raha tha.. dopeher ko school se ghar aate the toh at least i met 1 person on an average who asked me, 'school khul gaye kya??'  and my constant answer, 'nahi nahi abhi sirf ek hi khula hai, baaki band hai..'

ok, back to feb again.. so pehli baar offline school 11th mein, i felt the same way any toddler would have.. felt shuru se shuru karna padega yeh toh.. but jaise taise gaye.. me in formals ghar ke kyuki uniform nahi liya tha as socha 12th mein jaayenge uniform pehenkar, abhi nikaal lo jaise bhi.. first day, first lecture guess what, chemistry.. nahi tab chemistry utna bhi nahi pasand tha jitna ab hai but haa thoda thoda feel aana shuru ho gaya tha.. excitement zero tha.. zero nahi but I would say neutral tha shayad.. then covid cases wapas badhne lage and school online ho gaya, wapas..

(can we skip to the good part)

august, 2021.. 'school will be reopening on so and so august, 2021..' ab excitement tha thoda.. kyuki familar ho chuke the kuch kuch logon se and ab 12th mein the aur news toh pehle hi aa chuki thi term 1 - term 2, which means boards were closer than ever.. jo halat january mein honi chahiye thi, cbse walon ke september se hi hone lagi.. but yahan se, bohot sahi memories banne wali thi.. i tried keeping the home me separate from the school me, and kaafi hadd tak successful bhi rahe..

september - february, yeh phase incomparable tha.. like, literally.. i witnessed the best me.. i had so many new experiences, tonnes of memories made.. snapchat played a vital role in that not to mention.. it was as if snap nahi hota toh shayad utna wholesome lagta nahi, ya pata nahi.. i really want to live these months again if not entire 12th, yes for reliving the memories definitely but more for the shlok i was back then..

end mein, pata chala term 2 boards global mein hain.. isse achchi baat kya ho sakti thi.. it was literally exciting thinking aree sahi hai, jahan se shuru kiya tha wahin se khatam karenge yeh sab.. that was the only right decision cbse took in these 2 years for real..

but this wasn't it.. yahan tak it might have felt all pink pink - purple purple but, trust me utna tha nahi eventually.. things started getting worse ahead and but then i guess it was my approach that i didn't allow that to put me out ya something ya i don't know.. just the way ari said accepting woman of the year award, 'this has been one of like best years of my career and like the worst of my life', not exactly but yes somewhat like that..

these couple of months have been more of self realisations rather than just discovering i liked chemistry..

if someone asks me how many days it would take to ruin anything you've taken months to form, i would say one week.. just that.. 'cause it has happened with me so, yes.. it literally ruined everything.. almost like jenga; you pulled the wrong block and now it's all down.. i regret that, alot.. and it's not like i didn't try again, like to rebuild stuff but yes you people know it too..

and i guess (aur kitne i guesses) that has put me in a stage where it literally feels, scary?? on how you'll tackle new people you're gonna meet.. i mean haa the people who know me know the fact ya might have observed ki needy - needed mein, i always act like the needy one, for some xyz reason.. toh unko utna frk nahi padega..

anyways, whatever happened, i'll always blame myself for that.. no, not for the fact whatever i wrote in the previous blog, but haa, i'll..

but aage, 3 - 4 years or mostly the very first year, usme kya karenge.. i have no clue how i'm going to sort that out..

(haa yahin se)

we all knew it already right ki after 12th, mostly everyone's moving out somewhere if not getting in different college here itself.. so we all knew after sometime we won't meet our friends that often, we won't be available for them the way we used to and vice versa.. so, as i said i was scared for something; you don't fear them leaving or not meeting them that often, no.. but i guess you or maybe i, fear being part of a future without them or if i state something more scarier (sorry lacked some vocab here) then, like getting substituted; i fear replacement probably??

like, haa.. you might or you'll be replaced.. neither assuming nor assuring anything but at the same time, not unconsidering out the possibility for the same too, right.. people are gonna meet new people, better people, if you ask.. and you just had 2 years with them out of which barely 8 months together in person, and ab toh they'll have obviously more time with other people.. and even if you are willing to try, kitna kar loge zada se zada.. obviously you have your ways restricted.. like your part, your side is in your hands of what you can do and what you're gonna do to keep that fix for longer time.. so ain't the concern right, and if not right, then genuine at least, i don't know..

pata nahi i guess i'm just hungry or something and my head's up to something that is making no absolute sense right now..

but i guess 'i just want to say that if you're someone out there who has no idea what this next chapter's gonna bring, you're not alone in that..'

i mean, do your part people, at least.. you don't have control over what they're gonna do, obviously they ain't your so called property and you don't own them, so makes sense right, of clearly not expecting anything.. definitely that hurts and that'll hurt ('cause it should) but haa you'll have to decide what you want more, people or whatever reason you're not doing that..

can say, if i don't vapourize out of nowhere, i'll definetly try staying in touch.. at least with the people i was, am associated closely.. no harm in being needy, you know, if that keeps your people around you forever or little less than that.. (winks*)

that's it people..

it's raining, mausam thanda hai, feels pade raho poore din, humming your favourite set of songs.. but jee.. 😅

i guess i'll miss these?? i'll miss the me i was couple of months ago.. no, i didn't change but it's was all situational.. the people around, around them you were a different you..

thanks for reading..

'i look forward to hopefully learn to give some of the love and forgiveness that i have given away so frivolously and easily to men everybody in past, to my self hopefully this year..'